Today is a very special day. I have so much to do, and so little time left to do it. I have make-up work to do, I have another draft of an essay due on Monday, and yet I can't feel any of the weight. I'm not stressed! I'm only inspired. Today I wanted to record a video for youtube of my cover of Samson, by Regina Spektor. It was looking like an epic fail, because I couldn't get a good take. Hell, I couldn't even finish the song. But by the 17th time I tried it, I was smiling. I was excited as I am curiously excited now.

Breathing white sky,
With the weight of wet chemicals.
A sigh into the dead leaf, careening
Against a silver light.
Perception has its limits.
I have my you.
Snow in the air,
Like a kiss to the skin of my arm,
Each little hair rigid.
Each little sound vivid.
And I can still breathe--
Like the endless somber sky.


Have a perfect day,
Love,
Carrie Anne.

It's About Time

I want to be a writer. I want to write insane scribblings that provoke concern for my mental health. And then I want to provoke a belly laugh, or even a chuckle. A chuckle would suffice every now and then. If I could only provoke tears... Or a smile. A sigh. A gasp. As for now, all that my writing provokes is a shake of the head and a thousand or so red, purple, or blue marks on the texts that carry on into the margins. My English class has me questioning my ability. I've never been criticized so epically in cold, permanent, red scratches.

Damn it.

English class is supposed to be my favorite class! I think I hate it this year. Despite my lack of my usual creative, poetic outlet through prose and free-writes, I think like a writer. I have this incredibly nerdy need to describe situations in my mind as it would be written in a novel.

But writers don't get a 77 on an essay.

I repeat. Damn it.

Love and frustration,
Carrie Anne.

It's certainly been a while since I've written you, blog.
I am realizing...

My life is a terrible thing spotted with moments of happiness...
Or that my life is a wonderful thing with trying situations between the laughs.

My outlook is whatever I choose. I'm in command of what gets done when, and how well it gets done. I'm aware of my potential. I'm aware of my passions. But am I aware of others? The people I care about? The people who make me want to improve myself? The people I could possibly love?

Yes and no. I deeply enjoy the company of others, but when the opportunity comes up that I might have a close relationship with someone, I consistently find myself backing out smoothly from the situation. Why is it that I can't make the time? The effort? I do care. But It's getting hard. I've seen too many of my friends turn to something opposite of their ideals, or opposite of mine. Either way it's difficult, and when distance is added to the equation, I've had enough. I don't easily keep up with people.

This can change. But I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. I do know I owe it to people to show my empathy once and a while. My irrational fear of being a burden is a heavy fear indeed, and I it comes at the cost of hours freed, spent blogging about my issues rather than laughing and doing normal things with friends.

I'm dramatic enough as it is, anyway. Obviously. I don't know if having more people in my life would ease the drama. (laugh-out-loud)

I'm a complete nerd.
And I find that's okay.

Love,
Carrie Anne!

Humans are so strange. I'm a hypocrite for this. But my point today is that we tend to immediately dislike people for being themselves. You have to ease into being sincere. Sincerely, some people can be hilarious, peculiar, and emotional. It's not anything I'd be opposed to with time, but first impressions are seemingly false. I'd immediately associate with the calm and collected kid over the excitable dork... but in time I'd want the excitable dork to hang around. It makes more sense in my head.


So I guess it's not about who you are that counts, it's when you decide to reveal that to others. First impressions are formatted to society, structured, and FALSE. Or are they?

I'm a judgmental person apparently. So thi is probably just my opinion.

Oh Well.

Sincerely,
Carrie Anne.

"...But it's beautiful."

Sometimes I wonder the inevitable wonders. Why am I here? Who am I? How much control do I have? And then I remember that it will soon be over. As long as it has a definite end, in relativity to the time I will be absent from my decaying corpse, I have a short life. But how am I alive? How am I alive, rather, in relativity to others? Does the woman with sharp green eyes and unkempt dark hair have a brighter perception than I? Am I perceiving things wrong? Am I at fault? Are these problems obtained by shameful means, are they lessons I’ve ignored? I’m a fool then. I’m a fool to have these skewed images and perceived senses. It’s not there. And if it isn’t there, where am I? I’m not here. I can’t be here if all I’m doing is taking up space while my mind is off corrupting itself with temptations of its own. It’s so easy to let the sleep take over, even while I’m awake. But it isn’t sleep at all, for I wake up rested. But I’m not awake at all, for I sleepwalk and wipe at my flesh. I was free when I was empty of experience, full of life. I was programmed to do this. To stop feeling the real effect of the swaying dandelions, and wishing for old friends. It’s like a motion picture now. I know what I should say, but I don’t experience the thoughts for myself. There it is again. The tapping, the creeping of the particles, cloaked in clear blankets, dragging their boneless bodies across my uncloaked flesh. And it’s gone. I’ve resisted the urge to let go. To sit back and listen to my mind is to watch a film that projects something real. It’s just as real as the things I experience, anyway. And this is my trapped emotion. This is the way I was born not to be. The way it ought to be. And I wouldn’t rather be anyone else. To lack this confusion is to stop the room from spinning, where every corner holds a new image. Where every rotation reveals a melody, and every silent moment unveils a scrambled mass of ingenuity. Its not accessible, but it's beautiful.

SIMON'S ROCK.

God?

(This is a little bit of my personal essay on religion I've been working on for this writing camp.)


I’m so confused.
It’s difficult to imagine that the earth and all her beauty weren’t crafted carefully by a divine being. Naturally it’s the easiest belief to live with. As an atheist, I don’t live easily under my system of non-beliefs. I’ve been told by a handful of spiritual and/or religious persons that I can--and should--choose to believe in something miraculous--something infinite--something all-knowing.

My first confession is that I did believe in a god for some time in the past. It was a humid night in June, and I was about seven. Mom had fallen asleep early, so I stayed up and watched the clock nervously, waiting for her to wake up and check on me. I sang to myself while I waited. I would sing three or four words one way, then I’d dress them in a new melody again and again. I loved my voice. Amber from school always thought she had the better voice, but I thought she just heard it all wrong. I figured that God must have chosen me--out of all of his little children--to be something quite remarkable. I knew he wanted me to write songs for him. I had been making up little songs since I was three or four, but I was now able to write them down, and I took advantage of that. I wrote in a sparkly blue journal with moons on it, and I locked it with a generic key that came with every journal like it. I made sure to write as neatly as possible, with my best vocabulary, so that one day when I’m famous and important it’ll be worth a million dollars. I wrote songs about nature that I pretended held a poetic meaning, and I would sing those songs all the time to my friends. As I was lying on my back in bed singing, I decided to talk to God. I closed my eyes and said a prayer with my hands at my sides. Then I’d say it with my hands clasped in front of my face. Then I’d say it with “Amen” pronounced differently. My logic was that prayer was like a magic spell, and God only heard it if you did everything right.




...... (a bunch of other stuff I don't want to post in a blog and that you wouldnt want to read) ......



I don’t want to be a rotting lump of chemicals when I die. I want this temporary body to contain a permanent soul. I want to know more than this life in this body in this family in this world. I want to be more than a face, more than innate behavior. I want to feel my heart stop, see a white light, walk through a tunnel, and have a cup of tea with lost loved ones. But I’m so afraid. I’m fearful that there’s a definite end, just the way there’s a definite beginning. Where did my soul exist before I was born? Are souls simply created on a random day, and then later released into eternal greatness? I don’t think so. But I hope so.

What does the man on the subway with nowhere to go have in common with the little girl who blows out her five candles? What are men fighting for, dying for, living for, even? What keeps one person from associating with another without having so much as exchanged names? Religion is an aspect unique to humans, but not every one of us has an appreciation for it. I won’t force myself to believe in something seemingly imaginary. More importantly, I won’t let something inevitable keep me fighting against this life--the only one I’ve got. Maybe.

I'm So Tired

My life has been interesting lately, to say the least. The sun is shining, I've got all the free time in the world, I'm free of heartbreak... But I'm so confused. I'm so blank. It's not a recent thing, this emptiness. Maybe it isn't just me, either. But when I was a wee little child I just lived and inquired. Here I am trying to remember what it was like, when I'm most likely just wasting my time. You know what? I'm probably just doing a horrible job adapting to my life. Our environment is constantly transforming, so maybe it's time I underwent a transformation of my own. The only enjoyable part of this tabula rasa feeling is that I'm freeing up my options for the future.

Think about this with me. Unless the world really does end in 2012, I can expect a long life ahead of me. I can hope to one day be in love, pursue my career as a musician and a writer, and eventually become someone to both a family of my own, and also to the world around me. Because if there really isn't anything waiting for me when I die, I want to be remembered here. In this life.

Too deep for a blog?
Possibly.
Too deep to consider?
Never.

Love always,
Carrie Anne.

YOU are special

Because hardly anyone reads my blogs anymore. But here you are, reading my blog. One in a million, truly.

Words

I think now is a good time to start thinking about words again, seeing as how I leave for my writing workshop at the end of the week. I was in a store the other week standing in line. I think it was Bath and Body Works. I remember thinking about how I might write about my life one day. Well, to clear that up, I WILL write about my life one day. The question is how I will do it. I realized the seemingly obvious: great writing isn't done by using vast amounts of detail, or carefully chosen words. Non-fiction isn't more fantastic if you can remember more. You can NEVER describe everything, anyway. A great writer will describe the small details that most can associate with a very particular emotion. Are you following me? It's not about how specific you can be, or how much you can think to write. A great writer will exclude the obvious, and only fill in between the lines. This is what it means to show, rather than tell. If you ask me, it's a trick of the mind. A great writer isn't just good at telling a story, he or she will need to be good at manipulating the reader--anticipating the reader's prediction, and making assumptions about the reader's intelligence or experience.

Maybe that's all obvious. It's interesting to me, nonetheless.

So much love,
Carrie Anne.

Today I took my driver's ed exam. Easy. I was the third one to finish. But that also meant that I was sitting at my desk staring at my watch for more than an hour afterward. I got to help grade everyone's exams, so I knew when someone failed. Two people failed. It was more like an IQ test than anything, I think. All common sense.

I went to starbucks with my mom after that; i ordered for the both of us as usual.

I've been starting to eat and live a little teeny bit healthier.

Tinsley comes home in two days. And apparently she's going to attempt to bring a baby kitten with her. I hope it works, but it will be amusing nonetheless. One week with her, and then I'm gone for the rest of the summer. It's been determined that I will ride by plane, alone, to Massachusetts. Sure it's going to be scary since I don't know the first thing about traveling by plane... But I have to learn sometime. sigh.

I've been very happy. VERY happy.

Love,
Carrie Anne

I'm so thoroughly happy right now. And I can't wait until I get to visit my grandparents, dig my feet in the sand, and kick back with my little sister and dad. They'll get to see my new face! Which probably doesn't look drastically different from before the surgery, but the actual fit of the lower and upper jaw is very much improved. 8mm it was moved. Wow! Besides the killer pain I'm feeling below my left temple, I'm fine. Well, and there's the fact that my diet is stil bland and limited. Oh well. Worth it!

Love,
Carrie Anne

Well I can see that no one really cares about blogging in the summer time. It's only when you've got a million things to do for school that you actually set aside time for blogging I suppose. I've got literally nothing useful to do with my time for now, as I'm still recovering from surgery. I'm glad the bleeding has decreased drastically in the past few days. It was really worrisome to bleed every time i pulled my cheek back to put rubber bands in.

Anyway. Tomorrow, if it isnt storming around the middle of the day, I'm going to try and get some sun. I literally look halfway dead with how pale I am. Gross.

Love,
Carrie Anne

Happy fourth of July!

My mom and I spent a lot of time together yesterday. Between getting up and going to Northlake, seeing "Year One", talking for an hour outside on the porch, and playing a game of Scrabble, I feel like this whole recovery ordeal has brought us closer.

Love,
Carrie Anne

As an atheist, I don't expect to gain any feeling of accomplishment following a debate with a Christian about religion. And yet, here I am feeling enlightened and still just as atheist as ever. What a great debate.

Love,
Carrie Anne.

Today I look and feel a lot better than yesterday or the day before. I put some concealer over by bruises and actually got out of the house! Mom took me to get lunch at Max and Erma's, where I ordered a plate of mashed potatoes and a bowl of tortilla soup. My throat is still raw where they plugged it up and shoved tubes down in it during surgery, so the soup was a bit too spicy for me to handle. But the potatoes were satisfying enough! Afterward, we went to Victoria's Secret at Birkdale, where I had planned to use a coupon for a "pink" bra... apparently they've stopped making my size. So that was upsetting. Anyway, I bought sweatpants and a new eau de parfum. Smells FANTASTIC. Then Mom and I got frappaccinos... It was difficult to use the straw at first, but I got the hang of it. Mom found me a drug that will help my swelling, bruising, and aching, and it tastes awesome. I'm supposed to have 5 of the little pellets everyday. Anyway. My mouth still bleeds pretty much constantly. But I'm completely used to the taste of blood. (tmi? thought so.)

I'm excited for driver's ed next week!!!! Can't wait to boss the little teeny boppers around. Just kidding.

Love and happiness and whatnot,
Carrie Anne.

Hello, hello!

This morning I woke up with a peculiar taste in my mouth. Feeling mike I needed to wipe the left corner of my lip, I did so. Turns out it was blood. I had apparently bled all night long... Probably swallowed a bunch of it. So I sort of panicked, and demanded that mom took me to the doctor "now". So I put some ACTUAL clothes on for the first time in a week, then we proceeded to go downtown where they could fit me in. The guy was real rough, pulling my lip back and ripping bloody strings out with some sort of doctor tool thingy. He told me to brush my teeth all the time anyway, even though it bleeds. Then he let me ask a set of random questions I had written on a piece of paper. My most important question was when I could try EATING something... like ravioli. He said I could start today, and I was very very happy. =DDD

So I got home and ate two helpings of micro ravioli. So so so much better than drinking broth slowly with a baby spoon. Yay!

I can't wait til I can open my mouth wide enough to at least put a finger between my teeth. It'll make hygene a LOT easier, and eating will be much quicker.

I have a soft spot for Drake and Josh, so I'm going to go watch that now. And I doubt more than one or two people will read this anyway.

Love,
Carrie Anne

Well now I'm sitting here eating chicken and star soup. Really I'm just picking around the carrots and chicken and swallowing the stars. Anyway. Emily is gone now. We watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's", and I liked it.

As I'm watching "Two and a Half Men", I'm realizing something about laugh shows. The ones where there is an automated laughing audience. It used to annoy me, and I felt it was cheezy, but it's hard to notice it now-a-day. I quite like the fake audience, actually. I think they add it in so that people, who, like me, can watch T.V. alone and actually laugh at the funny moments in the show. It's nearly impossible to laugh at a show when no one's there to laugh with you.

Anywhoms. Just thought I'd share that realization. Maybe it was obvious to everyone but me. But just like a laugh, a thought is pointless when there's no one to share it with.

Love,
Carrie Anne.

Day 6!! So close to the end of the first week in recovery!

At this point I'm just killing time waiting for Emily to get here. She's gonna come bring movies for us to watch, and I imagine she'll spend a while laughing at me. I'm going to try not to be envious when she eats a stouffer's french bread pizza and I'm eating soup/yogurt/ensure with a baby spoon. sigh. I feel like I look better today, as far as the swelling. My bruises are still yellow, even the ones on my neck. I opened up a wound in my mouth twice now. it's huge! Just a pile of stitches and tissue and whatnot, impossible to not at least brush up against while brushing the teeth... So it bleeds and bleeds. We called the doctor asking if I can sleep flat yet, and apparently it's still too early for that. =[

The internet boyfriend is working today. So hopefully I'll get to talk to him tonight.

I'm running out of things to report, so I'm just gonna end this and wait for Emily while listening to Switchfoot. Hope she brings good movies.

Love,
Carrie Anne

Day 4 or 5. I don't even know.

Pros and cons, pros and cons...

Since I can only think of one pro at the moment, I'll only list one con beside it.

pro: I have an internet boyfriend =]

con: I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN! I could cry at any given moment it hurts that freaking bad.

love,
Carrie Anne.

Post-Op recovery (Day 3)

I've been debating doing a blog post because whenever I'm awake it usually just means I'm in too much pain to sleep. But seeing as my memory isn't working great right now with all of the medications and whatnot, I might as well type up some of what I feel.

I was so afraid just before the surgery while waiting for my anesthesiologist that I was laughing through tears. It's hard to distinguish a happy laugh from a nervous laugh, so it's no wonder the doctors liked me so much. If only they knew how afraid I was. Anywho, they made my parents go wait for a couple of hours and sent me off to get dressed (or undressed). I walked into the Operation Room, and there were a bunch of busy people. So I asked everyone at once if I put my things on right. Heather, the surgeon's assistant and my friend throughout the surgical process, told me it looked great. So they told me to sit in the chair, and I was literally shaking. I knew three of the faces, but the other new ones seemed kind enough. I trusted them. The anesthesiologist asked me about what I'd be doing the rest of the summer, then warned me that I would breathe pepperminty gas. No, he didn't make me count or anything on my way under. He told me I'd feel like laughing. So I laughed a few times, then my eyes shut.

When I woke up, I slowly blinked my eyes open and I could hear and see my anesthesiologist right before me, but I cant remember what he said. They pulled a wheelchair next to me, and helped me into it. I was feeling like I was barely there. On the inside I felt like laughing, but I couldn't move my face or say anything. They wheeled me to the recovery room, which was dark. Mom and Dad (together, I know. Weird!) were waiting for me with their happiest "it's-going-to-be-ok" faces on, but even I knew I looked dreadful and pathetic. I slowly wavered in and out of consciousness for a couple of hours (not sure on actual time, I lost track). One time I woke up to my dad taking a video. Then he worried I might laugh so he stopped recording. I have the video on my camera if I decide to upload it later. Someone wiped my mouth and I could tell I was dripping blood. Then I motioned that I needed to go to the bathroom, so a nurse wheeled me into the bathroom and helped me pull my pants down. I wasn't expecting THAT much help. She watched me try to use the bathroom, but instead I just motioned that I needed to throw up. I settled down enough and the nausea left me. They asked if I was ready to go home, and I motioned "no". I was worried I'd throw up in the car. So they gave me some more time to rest before wheeling me out into the bright outside and helping me into the car.

I got home and basically slept the rest of the day. If I needed something, I could ring a bell and write on a pad, because I couldnt talk.

Day two was really awful. My throat hurt so bad! Every little ounce of liquid was costly to consume. I had to go upstairs and get changed, so mom and I slowly walked upstairs and I got changed into a comfortable tee shirt and a pair of jeans. Then I brushed my hair and we went off to our check up with Heather and Dr. Spagnoli (the surgeon). Heather showed me how to brush my teeth, and Dr. Spagnoli showed me how to open my mouth. Then I was also shown how to put rubber bands in. If they aren't in, my jaw just flys open. lol.

It's day three now. And I woke up in pain at 9:30. I was supposed to have my medicine at 8, but my mom forgot. My entire left side of my face hurt. But I can talk now! I talk like a shy fat person though. Hell, I look like a shy ft person. lol. I'll show you. As a reward for going to my blog.



Here I am at day two.


















And here I am today, at day three. Major difference is in the bottom lip.







I can't wait to be un-ugly.




Thanks for listening =]

Love,
Carrie Anne.

1. I can eat pizza all day long.
2. I think about him 50% of the time now.
3. I could stay up all night if it meant I had company.
4. I rediscovered my love for photography.
5. I'm going to miss her this time, I believe.
6. I'm now panicked about surgery (tomorrow).
7. Politics are fine to discuss as long as the goal isn't to convince the other party.
8. Cheesecake milkshakes are fantastic.
9. Being alone is only fun when I have a choice.
10. I'm excited for Massachusetts!!!!!!
11. I'm not excited to drool =[[
12. I'm excited for my song to be completed!!
13. I wish I was more outgoing.
14. I wish I had healthier habits.
15. I wish time would slow down again.
16. I wish I didn't have to reject anyone.
17. I wish I could dance.
18. I wish I wasn't so lazy.
19. Too bad I talk in my sleep.
20. Tomorrow is the final day.



Love
Lov
Lo
L
:
.
:
C
Ca
Car
Carr
Carrie
Anne
<3
:
.

I've been smiling so much that my cheeks hurt quite a bit. But I think that's a good kind of hurt, when you feel happy all of the time now.

I'm addicted!
sigh.

I can't wait for this new song to come through. Someone is willing to mix my tracks for Distant Years, and now that it's all recorded, it's in his hands now. I'm PSYCHED. ahh!

I ate a breakfast today. I made 3 jumbo eggs-- scrambled, but I couldn't eat half of it. Perhaps I don't like food anymore. Is that bizarre or what? It's no disorder, I just see eating more as a chore than an indulgence these days. In effort to feel better and live longer, I'm going to go for a walk now. I've absolutely been alone ALL day. NO one is in my house but me.

sigh....

Good bye on-lookers.
Love,
Carrie Anne

Hello world of mysterious blog readers. I've been doing terribly hypocritical things, and feeling better about myself everyday, while simultaneously becoming more and more terrified of the upcoming Jaw surgery. My band keeps putting off practice, but I won't be able to TALK for a week, much less sing... for a long while after the 23rd. I get my surgical hooks on day after tomorrow, then the next day I have pre-operative stuff to do. I don't really know what's going to happen at pre-op??

I'm scared of going under for the surgery. Apparently it's like sleeping, and you don't know when you're out... you just fade into it mysteriously?? Scary shit. I've been having nightmares.

Everytime I talk to someone that shows remote interest in my feelings, I blabber on about the 325346254 reasons and scenarios that scare me shitless about the surgery.

I met a few people yesterday in Davidson. Eli, Ian, and this girl named Kat who we stumbled across at the Summit. All very nice, artistically/musically inclined in some form.

Sims 3 is pretty cool, but it only enhances my creeper qualities (by my creation of people I know).

Not looking forward to Cannon next year with Ben coming back. But no other options that don't terrify me. Like public school.

Driver's ed in a month. Two weeks after surgery, so hopefully I'll be off narcotics by then? Yes, it's true, I'm 16 and have not yet taken driver's ed.

Then two weeks after that I leave for a 3 week paradise-- Writing workshop in Massachusetts!!

Sorry this blog was so sparse and irrelevant, but I've been failing at updates.


Happy Summering!
Love,
Carrie Anne

I'm trying to write a story about a disabled kid named Sam, but I'm taking a break to do this surveyish thing.

Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as your __% innocent.
Now you must tag 15 people, and fill this out.

01. Smoked
02. Drank alcohol.
03. Cried when someone died.
04. Been drunk.
05. Had sex.
06. Been to a concert.
07. Gotten/given a hand job.
08. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
09. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 94

11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a Wal-Mart or a department store
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 82

21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done drugs.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 78

31. Played strip poker/darts/pool
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Made beans.
40. Been in love.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 72

41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 64

51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody.
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Made spicy beans.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed Goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 56

61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 49

71. Been caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 44

81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 2 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 37

91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Left a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.

Total percentage: 31

WOW. That's horrible. Im a bad, bad person.

Love,

Carrie Anne

PERSONAL:

We painted our bathroom purple over the weekend. I had my fiction "exam" today, in which I wrote a short story in two hours. After that exam I filed college papers for Mrs. Shandley for two and a half hours of service. I'm certain that if I were to file papers for a living one day, I'd be suicidal. But I survived the day!

Someone else might not.  Our new cat, Bones, that we rescued last week was laying under Tinsley's bed "sleeping", but I decided to check on him. He wasn't moving, and when I poked him he just laid there. I couldn't see his face, but when I picked up his paw and dropped it, it would just smack the floor. Then I saw his face, and his eyes were open. 

"HE'S DEAD!" I cried.

But he wasn't, he was only in the process. So we rushed him immediately to the hospital down the road for animals, and watched him have the most horrible seizures while hooked up to an IV. It's been determined that he swallowed an Aderol (sp?) pill from Tinsley. If only she had cleaned her room...

He was also determined to be very much dehydrated, and it was Tinsley's responsibility to make sure he got plenty of water. We were out of money, so we couldn't take him to the ER, and the animal hospital was closing at 6. Then an angel fell from the sky (the vet) and decided she'd take care of Bones overnight. Saving us, potentially, 5 HUNDRED dollars, and the possibility of life for our beloved Bones. We'll know tomorrow whether or not he lives.

So I haven't started studying. No. But I will, I just had to shake this off temporarily. 

LESS PERSONAL:

I don't feel like animals should have to suffer just because it's too expensive to keep him alive. If I ruled the world, and I decided ultimately how health systems worked, I would model it after one of those European countries in which medical care is FREE. NO MATTER WHAT. I feel like taxes would be better off going to the health of the people, and the animals as well, rather than to miscellaneous projects that are basically indulgences... that wouldn't be enjoyed by people who DIE because they can't afford medical treatment. 

Criticize my ideas, I KNOW that I must be wrong. Tell me then, why can't it be this way? What do you think? 

Love,

Carrie Anne

I wrote a new song!!

"A Little Girl"

G, Em, C, G (Verse)

G, D, Em, C (Chorus)

*C, D, G...

When I was a little girl I cried when I was bruised

As time came faster I began to see the truth

And now I see the days as precious little jewels

And now I cry at times that I feel used

It only takes little hands to feel the world around you

To sense the wind that's blowing

To know things without knowing

It only takes little feet to walk in new directions

And one by one the steps they come

Life consumes you when you're young

And I wanna see the world again through little eyes

I wanna wonder about the sky, remember when it seemed so high?

And I wanna taste the world again with little lips

I'd do anything to remember, I just want to remember

Because we grow up before we savor our perception

We're scolded into the shape we're in but take a look at where we begin

*I'd give anything to just do it again

When you were a little boy you watched the grass move

And dreamed about the creatures that were living at its roots

You held the hand of those you thought were special to you

And you didn't understand it at all, did you?

It only takes a little heart to know that you're in love

To feel the moment its begun

And turn around and love every one

It only takes a little mind to grasp that there's an end

But not worry about stuff that makes this life rough

Just being here is good enough...

And I wanna see the world again through little eyes

I wanna wonder about the sky, remember when it seemed so high?

And I wanna taste the world again with little lips

I'd do anything to remember, I just want to remember

Because we grow up before we savor our perception

We're scolded into the shape we're in but take a look at where we begin

*I'd give anything to just do it again

It's a lot like "Distant Years" with it's theme. But I don't think the topic of growing up ever gets old, there are so many ways to look at it. Hopefully the band would like to do it with me tomorrow at practice. Tell me what you think!!

*****

What do you miss most about being "little"?

Love, 

Carrie Anne

Wow!

Look what I found!

It's my blog from 7th grade!

http://xxcarri3xx.xanga.com/

Enjoy making fun of me!

Love,

Carrie Anne

It's been interesting. Yesterday I left school at lunch. I wasn't feeling well, so I was going to try to go home anyway, but when I called my mom she said she was at the pet hospital. Apparently our cat, who's been missing since April 26, was found starving in our neighbor's garage. After this cat was hooked up to an IV and his paperwork was filed as "Sebastian", we realized it wasn't our beloved Sebastian. This was a poor starving cat that coincidentally looked a lot like Sebastian. And he needed a home. So he lives with us now, as Tinsley's new cat. Anyway. He's too weak to climb stairs, and you can feel all of his bones. He's virtually weightless. I mean, this cat would've died. But he's the sweetest thing ever. I want to call him Oliver.

I watched the season 8 finale of scrubs, finally. And cried. And laughed. And wished that there was more to it.

Tomorrow is the last day of school. But I can't figure out what drops. I'm going to go to bed right about now, because I've found little reasons to stay up way too late for this past week, and it's just really not healthy. 

I haven't started studying for my exams. I'll regret that.

Love, 

Carrie Anne

Today was the official last Monday of my sophomore year. I was really looking forward to today for two reason's though. 1) Awards ceremony and the possibility that I might have the dept. award for English. 2) Yearbook day. Even though I had my hopes up on the first part, my day was alright after all with the yearbook signing portion. Yearbook day is essentially the day where everyone is your friend again, even if you only talked while you were partners for a powerpoint project. But no hate here, I love it. I love collecting pretty little paragraphs like candy, and pulling them out later when I'm "lonely" or feel like "no one loves me". There was no joke there...

Anywhoms. I'm bringing my yearbook tomorrow because I'm not completely satisfied. Muahahaha.

At least I have no more research papers to write--except that I do. I forgot all about that damned PRP for AP Euro that is ESSENTIAL if I want to erase that 40 I got on the surprise map quiz. If I think about it, that's pretty good. Because I only left myself time to figure through 5 of the ten questions, and 4 out of 5 isn't bad at all!! But unfortunately i still need to find the time and motivation to write that little pest out of my life. 

I went to the orthodontist today after school. We talked about the surgery I'll be having next month, and planned the day that I'd come in and get the little lugs attached. And then the lady said, "bite down sweetie, let's see your overbite." So I showed her how my teeth like to hug each other when they chew. She all but gasped and said "well, you'll look a whole lot different then..."

And then it hit me. How different will I look? Will I like the way I smile? Will I suddenly realize what I've been missing? Will my face shape change? I tried on a new smile by moving my lower jaw forward, and it's one of those smiles where the bottom lip just barely conceals the bottom of the top teeth. If you follow me. My smile now is pretty happy, and my entire row of upper teeth come out to play every time. Will it really look strange and new after the knife? 

If so, I hope it will grow on me. The last thing I need is regret. Or fear. It's going to happen, and even if I forever lose feeling of my lower lip, I'll look better. I'll look better? (Yes, Carrie. You'll look better.)

At this point I'm just excited. I'll wear my hair up all the time because I won't try and hide that teensy jaw, and my mouth wont just hang open all day long like it tends to now. At night I'll be able to sleep comfortable (and I won't have to be concerned that I might drool if i turn on my stomach). 

Maybe that was more than you wanted to know, but at least you got what you should've expected from my blog title. 

Love,

Carrie Anne.

Hello!

Today was cool. I feel alright about my chemistry test, except the lab part will be interesting. Hmm. I've been practicing for symposium! I'll be playing "Where does the good go" with Will, and "Distant Years (original)", "Ay Flat Bee Flat (original)", and "Sweet Home Alabama" with the Jupiter Gang. I've got it all down except Will's song. So I need to work on that.

I've also got to start/finish my research paper as well as my French project. I watched a LOT of Scrubs today; laughed my ass off as usual. 

Good Bye,

Carrie Anne.

My mom ran away today. She was crying and hiding, and walked out on us. But she finally came back. Dinner was good, I bought it and Tinsley made it.

Hmmm.

I hope Cannon gets some new boys next year. Is that a shallow thought?

I would like life better if I didn't have these expectations. 

Here comes the sun... king of France, 

I'm Louis "X" "I" "V", and I say...

"L'etat c'est moi..."

Dun dun duh dun dun duh dun dun duh dun dun dun....

dun. dun.

See? AP Euro can be kind of fun. ESPECIALLY when the class is over!!!

Today was exam day. I came in with mints and rosemary and such, and sat my ass down at the oddly skinny tables, where I slaved for three hours. Out of the eighty multiple choice, I think I left 3 completely blank. I probably guessed on 10-20 of them. Overall, I felt like a boss because I was so prepared. I used up every last second of my allotted time, and BS'd a bit of my first FRQ. But my DBQ was a satisfying 4 pages long, and I was able to answer both FRQs. That's way better than I thought I'd be able to do. I think I got a four. I DEFINITELY passed. And a five would be AMAZING.

Ahh I'm just so glad it's over! And now that I don't have to worry about the exam anymore, I actually like European history. I learned more in that one class than I have ever known about any subject ever. If you're thinking about taking that class to challenge yourself, do it. I don't like history at all usually, but with AP Euro you'll find that it is possible to retain a massive amount of knowledge and comprehend (most) of it. Just do it.

Anywhoms. After the exam I came home and basked in my nothing-to-do-ness, and then decided I would invite myself to a ballet with Jim and Tinsley and JP. It was a lot of fun, and I'm glad I went. But Jim got terribly lost and ran over a curb while making a U-turn near downtown. 

There was this dancer there who was practically naked, and you could see his junk through the tights. It was pretty hilarious. But the ballet was good, and Jim's girlfriend was in it. 

Last night I saw this movie called  "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith, and it was by far the most beautiful movie ever created. It was better than Benjamin Button. And it had me crying my eyes out when I figured it out. Haven't heard of/seen it? GO SEE THAT MOVIE. It's a romantic drama, and it has an ending that's complex and ingenious. You'd never see it coming but it makes sense looking back on it. 

That's all for now.

Love,

Carrie Anne.

Today was fine. I wore a skirt, which by my standards was conservative enough to fly with the Cannon dress code.  Apparently not. I sort of freaked out when I almost got a demerit. I know it's "not a big deal," but I would freak out, because I've never had a demerit. I think I got through it though. It was BARELY 4 inches above the knee, but when i pulled it down it made it. 

It was pretty rainy and humid today, which is fine because it was warm. And I was pretty stressed at several points of the day, almost to tears. I haven't done any service hours this year at ALL, so there's a chance that I won't be able to graduate. That's something to panic about. But luckily Gavin is going to volunteer at the Imaginon in charlotte with me. =] If anyone has any idea how I can get my in-school hours done, could you let me know? I'd so appreciate that, and I'd love to get that done alongside someone else.

Hmm. Time to remove a link of the summer countdown chain that's hanging from the window in my closet. So close to the end!!!!

Well I need to do my last DBQ now, so that I can have an 80 test score. I'm getting so nervous about the AP Euro exam (Friday)!! How am I supposed to study for the FRQ's??

Wishing for summer,

Carrie Anne

Oh! I forgot to mention in my posts this week that I was accepted to Bard College at Simon's Rock Summer Writing Workshop... it's in Massachusetts, and I think my dad is going to fly up there with me. 

IM

SO

EXCITED!!!!!!

EEEEEE!!!!!!!

AHAHHA.

Love, 

Carrie Anne

Yesterday was a disaster.

I was so angry when I was about to perform, that I actually blanked. It was worse than one of those nightmares where you go to school only to discover that you forgot your pants. I FORGOT THE WORDS. So I picked a random lyric from the song and sang it. And then I felt my face heat up tremendously, and I was certain of the shade of crimson my face would have been. So I turned around to face the band and told them to stop. I asked Patrick, "What's the lyric to start??" And he shrugged, un-phased. I told him I wanted to run out and just quit the song. I came THAT close to running out crying in front of everyone. 

And so finally when the band stopped playing, I asked Alex (who wrote the song) what the first words were. He calmly told them to me. Four times. And the band began to play. I sung it all, and I somewhat redeemed myself (I hope). It was a horrific experience that I hope I'll never re-live. I'm supposed to be good at what I do. I'm not supposed to let my emotions get the best of me. 

I hope I don't turn out to be one of those performers who read their lyrics like karaoke from a little screen on the stage (Axl Rose...), or WORSE, I hope I won't pull an Ashlee Simpson. 

Please oh please, God of music (it's one of those Greek gods whose name starts with an "A"), don't let me screw up when I'm all on my own. Don't let it happen again.

And so I hated Arts Jam yesterday. That is all.

Love, 

Carrie Anne

Hello!

Today would have been more fantastic if I hadn't gotten sicker, or if my favoritest cat didn't run away. On top of that, we're supposedly giving away our old fat white cat, Heidi--TOMORROW. I will die. That kitty has lived with us for around a decade. I can't live without her, the bitch she is. 

Tinsley made me read my fiction story out loud to her today. Then mom got a hold of it and read it all, 7 pages single-spaced. She liked it!

Anywhoms. I don't think I'm gonna go to school tomorrow. I'm dizzy, tired, have a sore throat, headache, a cough, I sneeze a lot, my mouth is really dry, I get the chills, I get nausea, and other things. But I haven't thrown up, and nor am I running any fever. So. No Swine flu! Hooray!!

This medicine is making me tired. So good night!

Love,

Carrie Anne

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I'm sick! 

This can't happen! I was going to perform at the Arts jam, but I can't sing on this sickness!!!

I was going to sing a song I wrote, called Distant Years, but NO. And the first time I planned to sing it (at symposium), I got sick. It's the curse of the song, it must be.

The AP Euro practice exam KICKED MY ASS. 

Anywho (do I overuse that word?)...

Sam's party was a lot of fun last night, but Alaina and I were essentially the last ones to arrive and the first to leave. I might have planned to be ten minutes late, but I didn't plan to get lost on top of that. Soooo I felt like a jerk. But it was fun anyway.

After the party Crystal slept over. And I beat my high score on Bejeweled Blitz (96,000 something). I dare you beat my score. 

Today we went to Birkdale and ate Gelato and had a fun time. I LOVE THIS WEATHER!!!!!

I feel like Joseph Goebbels. QW#AJSJSRUTHRU!!!

My head is throbbing and my nose is stuffy. I would feel better if someone commented. Pwease?

Love love and love love love,

Carrie Anne

I think I'm turning into an emotional wreck. When did this happen??

This morning I stumbled into school, drained and tired. I cheered up for Fiction writing-- damn it I love that class-- and math even put a smile on my face. (I found out Mr. Taylor loves Scrubs as much as I do!!) But then something possessed me to tell someone (to spare any drama, you won't know the name) that they pulled a "bitch move". Then I walked away, hands shaking with anger. Then person number 2 walked by, whom I like. And next thing you know "bitch move" person, person 2, and I were all feuding in the girls' bathroom. I don't want to be "that" girl crying in the bathroom. But when "Bitch move" left, I was that girl. FML.

I decided that I was sleep deprived, I must have been with the way my temper was flaring. So I got home and took an hour nap before the phone rang. Things turned out okay, and "B. M." didn't win this one. 

Then I danced around in rainbow pajamas and celebrated my new found happiness. (I told you I'm a bundle of emotions) I pinned my hair up in a funny way so that it looks and feels like a hat. Then I ate a few cookies.  (See below)

Oh! In the news today I learned that North Myrtle Beach is on fire, and the fire is right by where my grandma and grandpa live (It's destroyed over 70 homes). So I panicked, but learned they're okay, and they just watch the smoke in the distance. That's nice.

I hope tomorrow I can be down to earth. I only have four classes since I have a double english drop. Hooray!!!

Emotionally,

Carrie Anne

Nevermind the "good day". Suddenly it's turned very bad. 

Today I took part one of my two-part AP Euro. test. I should also mention that it is the LAST AP Euro test I will EVER take (besides the exam[s]). That may or may not have contributed to the fact that my day was so fantastic. I love that the weather is warm, I love that thunderstorms just pop up and go away now, and I love that I've only got some 25 days left of school. Oh boy!

I wish I wish I wish... that... I'll get into a writing camp this summer! Oh please! I won't ask for anything on Christmas! It's all I want!!

I need new/more friends. Surrrrsly.

Love and joy,

Carrie Anne

I was in the middle of ranting to my mom about why I'm unhappy when my phone rang. Ironically it was him. So I answered. 

And I'm glad I did.

I'm a big girl, I make my own damn decisions.

=]

Optimistically (it's about time someone is),

Carrie Anne.

I think I've finally come up with a story idea! I haven't been inspired lately on a scale large enough to form a story around, but last night a story hit me out of nowhere. We'll see where it goes. I'm thinking it'd be a suspense story. Fun times!! 

I watched the movie "W." with my Dad last night, and it was pretty awesome. 

I feel like a failure... all I've really done this weekend is walk around downtown and play bejeweled blitz on facebook. Which reminds me that I really need to play bejeweled blitz now.

Carrie Anne

So today I switched lab groups. After working with a group that moved too quickly and constantly ignored me, it was time to move to a group that I knew I'd be more appreciated in. So I moved to the all-guy group, and they agreed to let me do everything from now on. lol. FINALLY.

In AP Euro., we learned about the holocaust and I think Mrs. Huffman was about to cry. She was showing us a picture of a Nazi holding a gun to a woman and her child in a field. I really couldn't take any more than an hour of that lecture, so I was glad when the bell rang. 

I was actually invited to a party! hooray!! But Alaina and I were the only sophomores invited besides Shelby, and it's a pool party so I'm a bit concerned. lol. Anywhoms. I'm so super duper excited for summer it's RIDICULOUS. 

Tomorrow is my Chemistry test AND my AP Euro reading quiz, so that'll be interesting. 

Peace and stuff like that,

Carrie Anne

Bonjour mes amis.

Today was fabulous. I thought it was going to rain but it didn't! School was the usual, but I watched a particularly awesome episode of Scrubs when I got home. Then I ate two mini cupcakes =]

I also learned how to play "Where Does The Good Go" by Tegan and Sara, who are amazingly awesome gay canadian twins.  I highly recommend you check out their music, because it's epic. Anywho. I didn't get into the Juniper Institute Creative Writing Workshop (UMASS) for this summer. I was wait-listed. Some people tell me it's just not what the "universe has in store for me", but I dont know. I cried. =/ 

lol... It's not even the place I really wanted to go. It's just the fact that I wasn't quite good enough that annoyed me. Whatevs. I did send in the app. at the absolute last possible hour of the last possible day... I'll know better next time. But the place I'm really counting on to get into is Bard Simon's Rock. I want to be able to stay a while if I'm gonna go all the way up to Massachusetts in MY summer. So the second program is a three-week thing. I'm hoping that I'll get in and make a lot of friends, or a few really great ones that I can really relate to. 

So the band (The Jupiter Gang) has informed me that they're working on a replacement for me. Apparently Metz is up for it. Which is awesome because he is a FABULOUS singer, but it's horrible because I'd miss the band terribly. Hopefully the band will sit back for a couple of months and then let me rejoin the band when I'm ready again. 

But life doesn't always work out perfectly. Ha! If it did, I wouldn't even have a reason to leave the band to begin with! I'd be happily in love with the person who stole my heart two years ago, and I'd still have all my childhood friends. (Jordan is moving allllll the way to Washington over the summer. I WILL DIE)

Anywhoms the new cover is at youtube. (I'm RedBlueGreen12345)

And here's the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMmsIHkeEHw

Love and Love and Loveee.

Carrie Anne

Today I was forced to return to school. It was a gray tuesday, the kind that usually get my panties in a bunch. But knowing that I would have to try extra hard to be happy actually kept me pretty content all day. 

I've skipped a few days of entries, so I should let you know what I've been up to. You're surely thinking... "Was Carrie slaving away at her AP Euro. studies?... Writing a masterpiece? Going out in public?" 

Well I certainly haven't been pulling my weight in any subject recently, which is worrisome seeing as I have pt. 1 of my Chemistry test tomorrow, and one of my stories will be workshopped soon, I fear. I have written a song, though. It's called "I Don't See You", and can be found at myspace.com/carrieanneishere or at youtube (my username is RedBlueGreen12345). I like playing that song because there are only three chords involved, lol. 

Anywho. I accidentally dozed off today for about 3 hours. That means I need to finish my homemade tortilla soup only to do actual work until I go to bed. Hopefully I'll get some rest tonight despite the power nap I took. 

Ben called me yesterday for the first time in a while. It was a bland and brief conversation in which we civilly discussed my hatred for him... He called back today during my power nap, and that was pretty much a FAIL conversation because I was just nodding off slowly back to sleep. I wish he'd hurry up and pick up his stuff from my house (sweatshirts, photos, drawings...) so I don't have to nostalgically stare into their being any longer. *sigh* Let it go, Carrie. Let it go.

Wish me luck on my Chem. Lab test tomorrow!! 

With love, 

Carrie Anne

Hey everyone who reads my blogs! (probably just you, Jim.)

Today sucked. Compared to any school day it kicked ass, but as for being the last day of my vacation at the beach, well, it reeked. I woke up at 7, then went back to sleep. I woke up at 8, then went back to sleep. I woke up at 9, then forced myself out of bed. Christine slept over last night, so I woke her up too. We had to clean up since we're getting ready to go home tomorrow, so that sucked. And then I texted Houston and he blew me off. There went my plans. Then I walked around the resort desperately searching for a source of entertainment--none. I'm now all pruny and wet from sitting in the public hot tub staring at the clock for an hour and 15 mins. My book that I'm reading about how to let go of someone... well I've already jumped wayyy ahead of myself and I'm getting quite anxious. Please please please dont let these signs point to the inevitable conclusion: I need affection to be happy. My god how pathetic would I be. 

We're probably going to see a movie tonight, but what I want more than anything is to succumb to my emotions. I need to either be surrounded by a lot of friendly people, or I need to be eft alone to reflect on how lonely I am. 

Wishing for anything great,

Carrie Anne.

I'm so sunburnt! It's not even a thorough burn, it's heavily concentrated on my left shoulder.

Anywho. Yesterday was my birthday! It was alright for the most part. I went shopping and out to Olive Garden. Later I decided to hang out with this guy Houston, and his brother C-Rock (Chase). When we discovered that the hot tub we met at was closed, we made a plan B. Plan B was to walk down the beach a little ways and waltz on into another resort, where there are much better hot tubs. It was in the 30s, and I was wearing a string bikini, lol. So I shivered my way there with the sand beating against the backs of my legs in the wind. Houston was nice and put his arm around me. On the way back, however... It was SOOO cold and windy, and we were all wet, so I just RAN. I think I stepped on a crab or two...

Thank goodness today was warmer. 

I'm getting better at being single. And I certainly don't feel hopeless any longer. 

Love,

Carrie Anne

I rolled over in bed this morning, woken by the sun in my eyes, and the wind gently vibrating the condo tower. I remembered where I was--Myrtle Beach, what day it was--my little sister's birthday, what I had to do--11:00 hair appointment, and what happened last night. Last night I made new friends, and became a little bit closer to accepting my independent lifestyle. After reading about 100 pages in a book titled, originally, "Letting Go," I'm realizing my hopelessness at the cost of a touch of hysteria. In the daylight I'm fine with who I am, who I'm with, and what I'm doing. But certainly by nightfall, when I'm alone, I begin to flutter with nausea and heartache all over again. This is supposed to happen, and it's only chemicals, I keep reminding myself. It's not Ben that I miss, I'm realizing. It's the high of feeling loved that I miss. I miss hearing my phone play "Time to Pretend" and melodically answering to his voice. Now the song makes my throat tense up, and a bit of panic courses through my veins. I changed my ring tone last night.

As for the band we're both in... well... 

I swore I was done. I made that decision final two days ago. But I've been thinking rationally since, and I'm willing to take a three month break, and then try it again. Now to tell the band...

Hopefully it's fine with them, but I know it's no at all likely. Last time something like this happened, I felt like the guitarist would slit my throat. Wish me luck this time...

Love and patience,

Carrie Anne.